“I don’t think I ever told him that I love him,” Ryan tells his father’s caretaker after the patriarch returns home from the hospital. That kind of lingering regret lives inside all of us even when we don’t know it, but it comes pouring out like a steady stream throughout Nicole Pott’s evocative Between Breath & Silence, a film about acceptance, forgiveness and letting go.
When Thomas Sergeant’s Tom visits his father, Paul, in the hospital, they receive a discouraging update. Because Paul was experiencing some discomfort in his stomach, tests revealed that the cancer has spread to his lungs and liver, and the physicians think that their family needs to focus on quality of life at home. The hospital has a policy that only allows one visitor at a time, and Tom’s mother, Sandra, waits in a nearby waiting room. Something about Tom hearing this news firsthand alone has stuck with me since I watched Pott’s short, a film written by Sergeant based on his own story.
We learn of fragments of emotion after Paul returns home. Tom and his brother, Ryan, do not get along, and Ryan seems bothered by his brother’s presence. We don’t need to know the specifics, because the emotions feel so uniquely earned so quickly thanks to the strong performances and the screenplay’s slow reveal of details. We can assume the reasons why Tom left home and never looked back–so many of us queer and gay people leave for similar reasons. Even if Sergeant’s screenplay indicates something specific, the narrative allows us to imprint ourselves onto the story. We don’t like to admit that most of us will have to deal with the death of a parent of loved one, and Pott does wonders with atmosphere almost as if the welcoming home can feel the slow devastation this family is on the precipice of.
Sergeant gives a wonderfully restrained performance as a man who has not forgotten the guilt and shame that he may have felt while growing up in this house. Maybe I am putting that onto the character, but there is the distinct tension of wondering how much he wants to say about his feelings as Paul begins to slip away. Once the words are spoken, will others hear them? Does Tom feel like he needs to expel his feelings even if his father cannot speak back to him? It stuck with me wondering if Tom will return to this house before the next round of bad news arrives or if he feels like he needs to stay away. Some homes and hometown haunt us in a way that straight people will never understand.
The first image of Between Breath & Silence is a white feather as it floats towards landing. It’s delicate, light, and almost peaceful. Maybe we all deserve that kind of descent as we near death or maybe forgiveness needs to be handled with that same amount of care.
Between Breath & Silence plays as part of the Out On Film’s What We Carry: Drama Shorts block on October 4 at Landmark’s Midtown Art Cinema on October 4. It will stream as part of Out On Film’s online programming beginning October 5.
