‘I Hate Myself and Want To Die’ Star Mike Castle Delicately Balances Life and Death

I Hate Myself and Want To Die star Mike Castle talks to The Contending about relating to his troubled character in the black comedy.

When Mike Castle appears on screen in the indie hit I Hate Myself and Want To Die, you immediately don’t want his character, Jacob, to die. With his lanky frame and carelessly long hair, Castle reminds one of John Krasinski in The Office. Yes, Jacob wants to commit suicide, but you find yourself wanting to save him.

I Hate Myself and Want To Die starts with Jacob driving out to an idyllic remote location where he intends to use his car’s carbon monoxide output to gas himself. But then a bird annoys him. And then the pipe falls out of the window. Then, he cuts himself and bandages the wound. Finally, after briefly dozing, he reads online that cars with catalytic converters (as his has) no longer output carbon monoxide. All of that was for nothing. Fortunately (or unfortunately), the internet provides an alternate solution: light a mini hibachi grill in the car. Thus begins Jacob’s quest throughout the remainder of the film.

None of this would work if Castle didn’t so perfectly embody Jacob.

Here, in an interview with The Contending, Mike Castle talks about working on this indie sensation, which played to sold-out audiences at the Austin Film Festival and, most recently, at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. He talks about finding the right balance in the character and how deeply he related to Jacob. He also talks about the most challenging scene to film.

Check out I Hate Myself and Want To Die‘s Instagram page for future screenings.

The Contending: What was it about this project that attracted you as an actor?

Mike Castle: The title. It made me laugh when I first read it. And then, of course, the subject matter. Trying to infuse comedy with suicidal depression sounded very challenging to me. But I also felt like there’s something very meaningful about building an entire movie around something so heavy, while also not trying to make the movie itself feel too heavy. I have never acted in anything like this before, so that was also a draw.

The Contending: There’s a very specific balance between relating Jacob’s pain and the dark comedy of his very long night. What best influenced that balance within your performance?

Mike Castle: You know, we shot most of this movie at night out in Lancaster. The setting was probably the biggest influence on the tone for me. There’s a very lonely feeling you get when you film something in a place you’ve never been. You’re there and not. On top of that, the drive to where we were shooting tended to be pretty long, so I’d spend the whole time listening to sad music and encouraging myself to feel depressed. I’ve always been a bit of a depressive, so freeing myself to not deny it or try to cope with the feeling ending up being a pretty therapeutic experience.

The Contending: Did you at all relate to the character? Aside from the script, how did you find out who Jacob was?

Mike Castle: I relate to the character very much. Right when I started reading it I thought, wow this is pretty pitch perfect for me. There’s something about a character who is nice but also kind of a dick, playful but also withdrawn, optimistic but simultaneously pessimistic or even nihilistic that made the character make sense to me. It was sort of like a composite of myself over the year, there’s angsty teen in there, there’s hopeful artist, there’s snobby cynic. Also, the casting around the character was very strong. Andre Hyland as like a comedic foil was very character defining for me, because however dickish or mad or depressed or whatever Jacob might be, knowing he is best friends with someone like Russell tells you he’s also a good person.

The Contending: In the film’s opening scene, Jacob seems to find any excuse he can to not go through with his plans from the bird outside to addressing the paper cut. Throughout the film, did you play Jacob internally as someone who really did want to kill himself?

Mike Castle: I would not say I was trying to play it as him not wanting to go through with it, it was more like he always remained available to be saved. I think when a person is in a deep, depressed state, they’re often feeling very aware of the boundaries of their life, of like the whole broad lattice that keeps it together, which can lead to testing the limits of the structure. And so sometimes this manifests as kind of signaling that you want help, even if you are signally unconsciously. Obviously if he 100% wants to go through with the act, it does not ultimately matter what song is playing, so by continuing to have preference, it feels like he is keeping himself open to the possibility of staying alive, but it has to be on his own terms, he has to go right up to the edge and see if life is telling him to be patient.

The Contending: There’s a scene later in the film between Jacob and Christina where she takes him to task for being 30 and living at home. Tell me about reacting to that moment because, to me, it seems like a very crucial scene that explains a great deal about him.

Mike Castle: This was my favorite scene to film. Leonora Pitts, who played Christina, is a really terrific actor. I felt that this was a very pivotal scene as well (and so I basically dreaded shooting it, since it felt high pressure to me) but as I got to know Leonora in the days of filming leading up to it, I started getting very excited because she has such a professional tone and style – which is not to say that my other co-stars didn’t also have their professional tones and styles, I sincerely loved working with everyone – but the confluence of like pivotal scene, Leonora’s style, and the power dynamic between the two characters, just gave me a great jolt of excitement as we rehearsed and filmed the scene.

The Contending: What was the most challenging scene to film?

Mike Castle: Not to be obvious but the most challenging scene to film was the final suicide sequence. Both required an emotional connection and a sensitive touch, but since the latter takes place at the end of the film as we’re basically waiting to see what his ultimate fate will be, and as we’ve seen him sink lower and lower into the feeling, the sequence where the car is filling with smoke was naturally very emotional and difficult to shoot. For one thing, it is very hard to not feel the gravity of the moment, even if it is just being simulated for film, you really are in a car filling with (non-toxic) smoke, and there is no way to do what is required of you as an actor in this scene and not feel a deep sense of gravity. We also shot this scene right at the end of the entire shoot, so I felt the heaviness of many long nights and the emotional toll of shooting the vast majority of the script up until that point. Ultimately the hardest part about this scene ended up being what it felt like when we were done filming, the time in between takes felt completely insane. Like trying to bring my emotions back down, to step outside of the scene, I found it pretty difficult.