‘Snow White:’ Who’s the Dullest Of Them All?

It won’t be a surprise to many to hear that Disney’s latest live-action remake Snow White is, in my opinion, not a very good movie. Directed by Mark Webb like a fantasy-based Jardiance commercial, the film attempts to update the beloved classic original cartoon — literally the one that started it all. The creative team opts for removing all hint of threat and danger and fills it with faux female empowerment themes and unnecessary, painful sequences of enchanted whimsy and singing. This Snow White is the kind of film that the much better 2007 comedy Enchanted brutally satirizes. I went into my screening with low expectations. The film exceeded all of them.

Snow White stars Rachel Zegler (West Side Story) as the titular Snow White. Born during a snow storm (thus the name), she is raised by kind and loving parents who happen to be the king and queen of a small kingdom. We know that they’re kind and loving because they spend much of the film’s early scenes mingling with the villagers and baking apple pies to share. When Snow White’s mother dies, the king marries a mysterious stranger (Gal Gadot) who takes over the castle, ruining the kingdom’s vibrant color palate in the process. With Snow White ensconced as a scullery maid, all hope appears lost until she escapes and finds support from seven extras from The Polar Express.

Look, I’ll readily cop to being one of those people who adore the original Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I think it’s largely unparalleled in its simplicity and animated beauty. It’s a perfect film. However, I understand that its 1930s viewpoints wouldn’t necessarily fly with a more modern audience. I understand why Disney would want to take on an update. I support casting a woman of color in the title role. I can also fathom making her an empowered princess rather than a girl singlehandedly focused on her longing for a prince. Even if that longing is replaced with a problematic and unending father fixation…

My issues with the film reside with how badly everything else falls around those logical updates.

The film essentially takes the original animated masterpiece, splits it in half, and shoves in an ill-fitting middle act that mysteriously steals much from Disney’s own Tangled. There is no prince here. He is replaced by rebel villager Jonathan (Andrew Burnap) who seems to be auditioning for Flynn Rider in that film’s upcoming live action adaptation. There’s even a love song where Jonathan and Snow White are surrounded by thousands of fireflies that’s really only a boat away from Tangled‘s “I See The Light.” Jonathan also has seven friends of his own (initially mistaken to be this film’s seven dwarfs) who are ill defined and take up way too much screen time. Nothing of consequence happens in this middle section, and these scenes just hang there, lifeless and dead.

The only benefit to those pointless interruptions is that they take away from Gadot’s horribly performed Evil Queen. I could name a thousand actresses who could have done a better job at conveying the necessary aura of camp glam required for the role. Yet, Gadot seems to be concentrating far too hard on reciting her lines than actually embodying them. Her casting is also problematic because, even if she can’t act, she’s far more beautiful than Zegler’s Snow White. I don’t mean that Zegler is unattractive (she’s clearly beautiful in her own right), but she’s filmed and styled in ways that actively seek to downplay her natural beauty. She sings beautifully, and she performs the role to expectations. But this will hardly be a highlight in her career.

From the uninspired sets to the drab costumes to the completely forgettable songs, Snow White seems to get nearly everything wrong. There’s such a concentrated effort to make the film palatable for all audiences, tastes, creeds, and morals that it’s rendered incredibly dull. There are no stakes. There are no laughs. There are no thrills. Even the finale can’t deliver a satisfying end to Gadot’s Evil Queen. The entire production has the feeling of an over-analyzed, synthetic production meant to inspire young girls to a life of leadership and authority. They deserve far better than this leaden poison apple.

Snow White opens nationwide in theaters this Friday.